InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I love planting my seed..."

jcipres (jcipres) wrote,
@ 2007-10-18 03:44:00

Current mood:

sleepy

I'm not even sure if I'd just dreamed it.

"I like it here," he whispered.

Ben had avoided me the rest of the night, trying to be in any room but the one I was in. It had been annoying as hell, and I'd finally decided that I'd had enough. There was a guest room that Ben could use. I was taking myself to bed and catching up on the sleep I'd been missing the last few nights.

A few hours later, I blearily opened my eyes to a shadowed room, the clock on my bedside table reading "too fucking early o'clock," and Ben snuggling next to me. "I'm tired of being alone. I want to feel safe again," he was saying. He moved, straddling my hips and leaning down to brush his lips over mine. In that vulnerable state between sleep and wakening, I let him. The cool, smooth fall of his hair brushed my cheek, over my shoulder. "I love this house," he continued, "the way you smell, your dog, your arms. I want you to love me madly. I want your heart," he leaned down and kissed my chest, "your strength," his lips ghosted over my scarred shoulder, "your body." He nuzzled his mouth against that soft spot just behind my ear. "I'm so lonely for you."

My body felt heavy, unresponsive, except for my dick. Already half-hard, it had filled out so quickly and fully that it ached. It took a great deal of will-power to fight sleep, lift my arms...

... and push him off of me.

"Julian?" he questioned.

"No," I mumbled.

"You're already hard," he pointed out, and I could hear the ghost of a laugh in his tone.

" 'll live." I reached up, pushed my hand through his hair, and let gravity tug his head down to my shoulder. "Shhh now."

"We'll both feel better if you let me..."

"Nuh. G'sleep."

He was already awake and about when I woke up, and neither of us mentioned it. So I'm not even sure if it really happened.

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	vale 2007-10-19 03:13 pm UTC (link)
	It happened. He's trying to cement his place with you. I don't know the instincts of an animal, but I know the instincts of a homeless and weak bottom. He's just trying to pick up where he left off. (Reply to this) (Thread)

jcipres
2007-10-19 05:43 pm UTC (link)

I thought maybe it did happen. I've never dreamt things like that before.
Usually, I'd agree with you, and I'd be cynical and skeptical, and end up talking myself out of even trying. I've been thinking about it all morning, though... He did sound lonely, and tired.
The poets would all say that I should be loved for... what? The sweetness of my smile, the sparkle in my brown eyes? For my mind? For my heart? Of course, the poets would also say that love is forever, and that a person can live on love alone.
Reality, though, is that love is more self-serving than the poets like to admit. So what if the basis of what he thinks he feels for me is based on the fact that I'm strong and he's weak, I have a home and he doesn't, I can provide and he needs to be provided for? Does that make it less real? Under normal cirmcumstances, I wouldn't even think about accepting it, and I highly doubt he'd think of trying it. These aren't normal circumstances.
You say you know the instincts. So tell me, is it real? Any of it?

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vale
2007-10-19 05:57 pm UTC (link)

Love is very self-serving. And the poets were in love with themselves.

First of all, he's angry. Angry people will do a lot of things to get revenge. And he wants revenge. It's why he made you. He admitted it. You fit the bill of big brute with a responsible side. So, he turned you into his tool.
Then he lost control of his tool. You threw him out. When... Booty-do? When Booty-do threw him back at you, you sheltered him because of that do-gooder side of you. Personally, I wonder why the alpha bothered coming over to your place. Why did he bring Ben? What did Ben say or do to make that situation happen? I know if I wanted back into a nice guy's graces, I'd play the hurt victim with all my talent. Wave my hanky, cut some onions for the tears, and try to appear to be carrying on bravely in the face of adversity.
He got himself in, now he needs to figure out how to stay. His claws are around your throat, Julian. He's working hard at making you want to help him. What did he say? You fucked him because you could. And he knows that you'll step in and do what he wants because you can and because you are arrogant enough to think that he isn't capable of doing it himself. Just like ordering dinner.

My problem with Ben is that he is so transparent. Even more? I think he actually does love you. But does he love the man or the tool? Hmmm. Questions, questions.

You know... You'd think they would eat the heart, wouldn't you? I mean, if he was just being dramatic. The heart has more impact, doesn't it? More questions.

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jcipres
2007-10-19 06:14 pm UTC (link)

Isn't liver tastier than heart? Richer, or something. Which is... seriously disgusting, considering that the liver is a waste-management organ, and the heart is just a pump.
Why are we still talking about it? Why are you so fascinated? Hungry, or something?

Is there a difference between the man and the tool? Speaking of reality, all the things he wants me for are the things that I am. The rest is just gravy.
Or am I fooling myself, settling for less, because I want to go back to fucking him?

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vale
2007-10-19 06:22 pm UTC (link)

You don't have to settle for anything. Sleep with him if you want. He is hardly in a position to say no, is he? Now does he have a foot of moral high ground to stand on when you use him for sex. Do what you want. Pump him for information on this twit who you've embarrassed. Have him keep your house and cook for you. I've heard that sushi is good. Have him make you that.

And the fact that the liver is more delicious makes perfect sense. What do they say? "It tastes like crap, must be healthy." So, something full of disgusting waste does sound like it would be tasty.

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love awww sweet love

reddiamond
2007-10-19 07:36 pm UTC (link)

Ok Julian, regardless of his intentions in the beginning, you guys have that spark! The butterflies are there. You think of him constantly, he thinks of you constantly. You can throw him away and be alone if you want. But damnit, what's a heart for if you don't use it. Let it consume you, enjoy him. Stop being so hard for one minute of your life and take pleasure in all the affection he's putting on you. Romance him back, its fun. Even if it doesn't last. I think it will though, cuz Ben is so dedicated to the ones he loves, and you two compliment eachother so well. He's your other half whether you know it or not. And Pod wants to be someone's flower girl! By the time I get married, if I do, she'll be all grown up.

(Reply to this)

	Amazed! reddiamond 2007-10-22 05:37 pm UTC (link)
	how the hell did you resist Ben! I couldn't have resisted any man in that situation! Not even you! Lol! Oh hell, you must of got a whif of this punani! You don't want the dick anymore, I understand completely honey. (Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: Amazed!

jcipres
2007-10-22 05:48 pm UTC (link)

Hm, yes. I'd secretly been turned out by my favorite fag hag. That's exactly why I turned him down.
Then I recovered my senses and fucked the hell out of him Saturday night, twice Sunday morning, again on Sunday afternoon, and yet another twice on Sunday evening.
You'll have to excuse me for not rushing over to declare my intentions to you, My Love. I was temporarily fucked out.

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